Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,

and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.

You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.

Santa

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year?

Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Santa

P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex.Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa