If i had a monkey

If only more people fully appreciated just how useful we monkey folk are the world would be an infinitely better place.
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Hairdressing Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair - using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would either give me more time in the morning or allow me to spend more time sleeping. I would just waste the extra half hour anyway so probably better to sleep but as I usually don't rock up to work till ten thirty or so, I could try leaving earlier. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.

Surveilance Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it to track down people who annoy me by using their profile photo and google maps. Using earpieces to communicate, I would have my monkey conceal himself behind the person typing on facesook® and when that person wrote something stupid I would have my monkey run up and slap them on the back of the head really hard then make a quick escape. Having several monkeys would be more convenient but I don't have time to train several monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the mornings.


Web Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it to download porn for me. This way I could spend my time watching it instead of looking for it. I estimate this would save me one hundred and thirty hours a week. I would obviously require a monkey with similar tastes to mine but how hard can it be to find a monkey with a penchant for pregnant german women in latex?